Suck it bitches!

For some reason I tend to neglect this whenever I'm doing horrid. I think it's the inner perfectionist that just can't stand seeing me progressively fuck up.

I'm back down to 164. I'm actually 164.0 for the second day in a row now, and considering I was Miss Piggy, that's not too awful.

But it's still so far from where I wanted to be. I'm right back to where I was like two months ago. That's just a little bit pathetic.

Either way, 4.1lbs to go until I hit my GW2. I'm HOPING to hit it in a weeks time. We'll see. As long as I'm 161.9 by Sunday, I don't really care. That will have been my lowest weight at this height. Pathetic, I realize, but it's still exciting none-the-less.

I'ma try and post of here a bit more, because all this neglect isn't good for anyone. When I'm here, I'm accountable. Accountability is what's going to keep my from failing miserably.

ABC? I think YES.

Every time I do well, I then start to fail. Again and again and again and again and again!

So, needless to say, I've gotten back up to a disgusting weight. 170.0. AGAIN. WTF?!?!

I've been binging and binging and binging, no purging, just straight binge eating. FOR DAYS. MORE THAN A WEEK.

I started using laxatives again, that's how bad it's been, and I've been feeling. Laxatives! It took SO MUCH for me to quit the purging and the laxatives, because I understand on a logical level how bad it is for my body, how much damage it's doing, what can happen. I told Mia to GO FUCK HERSELF and now after so long, she's snaked back in.

I'm so ashamed I've somehow managed to actually lose my appetite...so while I'm in this moment of clarity, I've decided to give ABC a go. Even a week would be enough, just to drop the weight I've gained.

I'm just sitting here, sipping coffee, trying to motivate myself to go to classes. I just really want to go back to sleep. At least if I'm sleeping, I'm not eating, and fucking myself up. *sigh*

OH! And my boyfriend made me an ED forum/blog space/website thingy. I seriously was completely blown away. I was seriously going to break up with him, but recently he's just...being so insanely supportive. And he's really taking care of me. He's running for me and taking care of me since I've had this awful cold, and he's just been so wonderful. Usually he'll do stuff for me, but he'll complain and bitch and moan. He's just been so sweet recently. It's making me really want to try and work on our relationship. Even though he won't say it, he really wants to see me more domesticated, so I think I might back him a cake or something. He says he really, really likes it when I cook for him (even though I suck really horribly haha) and I don't mind the idea of playing a 50s housewife every so often. It's just really hard, because a lot of it is food-centric, and I'm pretty fucking petrified of food. I keep getting attacked by the evil binge-monster.

If I still feel strong whenever I get back from classes, I think I might bake him a cake...

FUCK YEAH!

165.4 this morning! I new low for this round! I'm feel pretty good right now. Fasted all day yesterday and into today. It's 11am and I'm really not all that hungry right now. I was only planning on going one day of fasting, but I might aim for two again, I'm not really sure yet...

I'm just fucking ECSTATIC right now! I was hoping to at least 166.9, so this is so much better than what I had anticipated! I feel so awesome and powerful and just fucking EPIC right now.

It's too early in the morning for any real thought or progression to have occurred since I just got up...but DAMN. My dreams are getting a lot more vivid and freaky again. This is definitely something I didn't miss with my bout of attempted recovery. This one in particular that I remember was of one of my best friends pretty much slaughtering just about anyone I know, then patching them up nice and pretending like nothing was wrong. They were scared and worried and angry and eventually I woke up just ha the police found the body of my friend in a dumpster.

I really don't want to look into that very much...

Either way...I'm pretty damn excited. I hope I keep not fucking up like this, it's a darn nifty feeling, I've gotta say.   :)

Pissed but empowered!

I woke up at 169 today and was a little tinsy bit pissed off at myself. I was suppose to wake up at 166.9 and fucked up entirely because I'm a moron, so I've been fasting today.

For some reason, I feel really good about it. To tell you the truth, I usually consume MASSIVE  amounts of calories while fasting. I buy coffee WITH CREAMER from coffee shops. NOT SMART. But not today. I've had under 100cals today and it was in the soy milk I dropped in my coffee. That's it. I think that might be why I feel so strong and powerful and vibrant: I'm ACTUALLY doing something right for once! It's pretty exciting! I'm fasting CORRECTLY!

I feel like I might actually wake up at 166.9 tomorrow, and that would be nice. 167 and up just doesn't satisfy me anymore. It's amazing how that works really. Once you get to a lower number, nothing higher is remotely satisfying anymore. I was so excited to get to 169 because I was out of the 170s, and now it's not enough because all I keep thinking about is how I'm not where I should be. I was suppose to be 159 by last day of the month. That's not going to happen, so I'm shooting for 165.4lbs as of the morning of the 30th. We'll see. That would be a new low for this round, so that's something.

I'm in class for another two hours, then I've got to go home and NOT BINGE and go to bed nice and early. I'm thinking 10pm. Lay down and turn everything off around 9:30pm and just chill.

I'm sick of being fat. Screw this shit.

Fuck no!

I feel so disgusting, I don't know how to function.

170.2

I don't care if I'm on my period, this is ridiculous. I'm disgusting.

Sipping coffee right now, serious stomach cramping, and I get to enjoy a 9 hour work day. Fabulous.

I want a legitimate appetite suppressant. This needs to stop, and I'm apparently too weak to stop it.

But today is a new day, and I can fix this. I know I can fix this. I need to fix this.

I refuse to continue to be this disgusting.

Goal: 166.9 by Tuesday.

3.3lbs to go.

Whatever

I'm fasting. Again. Currently 22 hours in. Going for at least 56 hours. We'll see about any longer.

There's a guy I really like that is ridiculously out of my league. Yes, I have a boyfriend. Yes, I like my shift supervisor. I get that. But I also like this guy too, but he's way too out of my league. I don't think I'd ever date him if I got the chance, but I'd still like the chance, just for the attention if nothing else.

Vain? Yes. Stupid? Yeppers. Worth it? COMPLETELY.

Essentially, if I could get this guy, I could get anyone. He's gorgeous, AND brilliant, AND cultured, AND worldly, AND poetic, AND driven, AND a genuinely sweet guy.

Very out of my league. But hey, what can I say? I do so dearly love a good challenge.

I just don't understand...

I really don't. I don't understand why I seem to be completely incapable of doing anything right. I should be in the mid-160s (at least) right now. I'm not. It's bullshit. I just keep fucking everything up.

I had two cups of beef broth because I was on the verge of a night binge, and that made me wake up at what I was yesterday: 171.2. I'm really, really fucking pissed. I can't win either way. I would have gained if I binged, but my substitute caused me to maintain instead of lose. I NEED to be 169 AT LEAST come Tuesday, so what do I do when I see 171.2? I EAT! I ate some fucking sloppy joe shit on a piece of shitty ass white bread.

FABULOUS.

I'm not eating the rest of the day. Well, at least most of the day. I might eat a little more, just so I can fast tomorrow. And Tuesday. FUCK. THIS. SHIT.

I want to be thin. It's what I want more than anything else in this world. It's what I dream and fantasize about constantly. It controls my relationships, interpersonal interactions, moods of the day. EVERYTHING. Am I so pathetic that I actually can't keep my fucking mouth shut long enough to show some damn progress? REALLY??? This is just fucking pathetic. I am fucking pathetic.

My entire life, everyone told me how amazing and brilliant I was. I was always told I was so far above average. But look at me now. I'm in community college with a basic menial retail job, I'm fat, my friends don't like me anymore, and I can't leave my house without crying and severe self-loathing.

Yep, an awesome, fulfilling, above average life I lead. FML.

Ever so slowly...

I'm going back down: 171.2 this morning. Would have been lower but I fucked up last night.

I successfully fasted Thursday (32hrs) before I made the conscious decision to eat something. A 9 hour work day is very unpleasant when black dots are floating in front of your eyes....but it really wasn't all that difficult. It felt easier this time for some reason. I don't really know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

I'm going to fast for two days, starting Thursday at midnight until Saturday morning (whenever I wake up) (48+ hours). I'm in school all day Thursday, and I'm off work Friday, so I can just sleep all day.

I'd really like to go to bed now...I'm really tired. But I've got work in a half hour. While my boss is getting a lot better (details later today) I'm still just not interested in working nearly as much as I am. I'm sick of this! I'm a full-time student for fucks sake!!

Either way...bleh.  :/   More to come...

Fat Ass

I feel like such a fucking fat ass right now.

I'm fasting until further notice. Then when I fuck up, I'll just start fasting again.

I'm sick of all this disgusting weight hanging off of me.

I got to my first goal weight and fucked up and gained 5lbs. Now 174.4lbs.

My fast started at midnight, so I'm just over 12 hours in.

This is fucking ridiculous. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. I just want to crawl into my room and die.

I'll be on campus for at least another 5 hours, but I might stay longer. Work tomorrow 9-5, work Saturday 10-6:30.

I'm sick of school, my job, and most importantly, my FAT. I hate this shit.

I'm disgusting.

One Pound!

I'm 1lb away from my first goal weight!! 170.6lbs this morning!!

I should be really excited, since I started at 180 a few weeks back, and this is my first 10lbs mark. But I can't seem to enjoy it at all. I mean, I'm happy of course, but all I keep thinking about is how much more I have to go. 

However, being less then a pound away from my first goal weight is pretty cool. I can't see a difference, but the boy says he can which is awesome. It's nice the someone notices. 

I'm really hoping I can hit my goal of 159 by the end of the month. I think I would feel a lot better about myself if I got down to that weight. In theory anyway....

Well, work for a bit, then off to see Scott Pilgrim vs the World with the boy, then an early night to bed, and maybe 169 in the morning? Hey, a girl can dream!  :)

I woke up at 171.8 today!

Not a huge accomplishment, but it's better then 172. I'm closer to where I want to be then I was yesterday, and that's all I care about. So, that was a good start to the day!

However, I left my cell at home on the way to school. Not the smartest move I've ever made, but hey, it could be worse. In theory, it's going to help me concentrate more. In actuality, my car is probably going to break down and I'm going to be stuck walking miles to a gas station. But hey, that's exercise! 

I'm in a really good mood today! My next class isn't for another two hours: Abnormal Psychology. My Professor is famous! Books published, lectures, speeches, I feel incredibly privileged to be a student under her. All I keep thinking is networking. Networking networking networking. If I can get on this woman's good side, I feel the possibilities are endless!

I really should be working on school work, but there's time for that. I don't have a ridiculously amount of work to do that I can be working on here and now, but Physics is going to completely murder me. I seriously have no idea of how I'm going to make it through that class. Its a foreign, secret language no one thought to tell me about. Fabulous. 

ANYWAY! I decided to join the September challenge on WhyEat, and that will hopefully get me to where I want to be, but we'll see. In theory it should work like a charm. One of the sections is on personal achievement, so I made a preliminary list:

~Lose 13lbs (12lbs more to go as of this morning!)

~Get at least 40 points with the September challenge

~Make it to the gym at least 3x a week

I'm not so sure I know what's doable and what isn't, but I'm going to make an honest attempt. Anything improvement is better then what I was/am. I'm just really looking forward to living my life the way I want to. 

Don't give up what you want most, for what you want in the moment.

My boyfriend is sleeping in my bed right now. I couched him for two nights, but I said he could 'take a nap' in my room, meaning he's pretty much going to be there all night. But he's working at 11am and I'm working at 4pm, so I can always just take a nap alone. It's really not a big deal I guess. I let him do this, but I'm still annoyed. I don't want him here, but he was whining and I just wanted him to shut up.

Wow, this isn't a healthy way to be dealing with someone I claim to love. I do love him. I'm not necessarily 'in love' with him, but I don't hate the guy. I just understand that he's not my soul mate. But I'm lonely. And he's really sweet.

I have a very bad habit of picking up strays, according to my mother.

I want Apollo BAD though. I think about him so much. I really just want to go to sleep so I can dream about him now. With my boyfriend laying next to me. Jeez, I'm an awful human being....

I was 172.8 today though! :) I was insanely surprised. Happy, but surprised. If I could be to my first goal weight (169) by Tuesday morning, I'd be... ecstatic, plain and simple. I had a 160cal bowl of oatmeal today, a 180cal Fuze drink, and a small order of fries. SHITTY DAY FOR FOOD! But I haven't eating since 5:30pm, and it's 11:30pm right now, and I'm about to go to bed. I'm exhausted. I've been running around all day at work and then at Walmart. I've been moving all day.

I need to start seriously considering what to do about Apollo......

Renewal

Today's been a good day. I'm actually really surprised. My faith in humanity was renewed. Everyone at work was just so insanely nice and polite...it was amazing really. And I got the opportunity to talk with my shift supervisor again. I think I'm just going to keep referring to him as Apollo from now on, it's just easier.

So, Apollo and I were talking today. Nothing significant, but it left my heart racing, and me desperately wanting more. I really don't know how to treat this. A part of me thinks I should try to stop focusing on him so much while I'm with my boyfriend, and another part of me sees no problem with it. It's just talking. So what if I have a little crush? It's not like anything's going to come from it. He's such a good guy. Eight years is probably too much of an age difference for him anyway. Not that he'd want me. I'm fat and goofy and weird. He's amused by me I'm sure, but I doubt he'd lower himself to date me. I mean, he could have anyone he wanted! He's just such a genuine person. I really wish I had the opportunity to get to know him  better. Just talk to him, find out his life story.

The sexual dreams are getting to be too much though. I've couched my boyfriend for a bit, and they've gotten worse. More graphic. More dramatic. It's making me want him more. I feel like such an awful person, but I also feel insanely alive. I just want to know. I just want to know so bad what it would feel like to just hold his hand. Or lightly trace his arm, stroke his cheek, his hair. Kiss him tentatively, the way a lot of first kisses start. Sweetly. Innocently. I want to just hug him, feel his body against mine, as a comforting presence if nothing else. I really want him to just talk to me. I love his voice. It's so sexy when it gets deep when he's talking low, forcing me to get closer to hear velvet pour over me. The was his little lisp comes out when he tries to sound hardcore. I miss him whenever I leave, and I dread coming home because of it. I feel like if we ever made love, that's what it would truly be. Sweet and gentle and tender. He'd value my virginity and wait for me to be ready.

Even just typing that, the butterflies are overworked in my stomach. There's no room left for food when I'm feeling like this. I was 173.5 this morning. Hoping for 172 tomorrow, but I really doubt that's going to happen. I'm not going to lose 3lbs in 2 days. It'd be nice though. One can only hope.  :)

Chill Pillz

I've calmed down a lot since last night. After my post I actually completely lost it. You know, scream crying as I'm throwing his stuff out of the room and screaming that I wanted him out of my life. You know, the bat-shit crazy crap you see in the movies?

I just miss the way my life used to be. I miss having my room to myself. I miss having my apartment to myself. I even miss having my parents to myself. I'm an only child, and for the last four months my life has been infiltrated by an outside force that is slowly taking over every aspect of my life. I'm having a really difficult time dealing with it. I've been attacking him so much recently because I'm just been so miserable. It's really not his fault, but I blame him anyway. There's no where for him to go...I feel very boxed in I guess.

It's really difficult, trying to grow up fast and all that. I'm 19. I feel really old and really young at the same time. I'm trying to hard to grow up that I'm forgetting how to interact with people my own age anymore. No smoking, no drinking, no drugs because that's irresponsible. Go to bed early, work 40 hour weeks, live with your boyfriend, because that's the responsible, grown up thing to do. I feel like I'm 30, and married. It's...not conducive to good mental health.


Anyway, on to better things! I've lost a pound today so far! I was 175.4 this morning, and I'm 174.4 right now, so I'm in a better mood. At least something is going right today.

Actually, a lot of things were pretty good today. No one threw anything at me at work, my hair wasn't a complete disaster, and everyone was relatively polite.

PLUS, I got to work with my shift supervisor today. I almost wish he wasn't so ridiculously adorable. Almost. Whenever he smiles at me, I can physically FEEL my heart skipping a beat. I really wish I could get the opportunity to get to know him better. He's 27, a blonde, with huge blue eyes and a baby face. He's just such a genuinely NICE guy...like, almost to the point of naivety. But he's really cool too! It's just...JEEZ I've got a really bad crush. Conversation from earlier (I'll refer to him as Apollo for privacy purposes):

Apollo: So, we've got about 15 minutes until it's time to leave (We got out at the same time)
Me: Yep, counting down the seconds. 
Apollo: So, any plans?
Me: Wandering aimlessly?
Apollo: My thoughts exactly! *laughs*
Me: *laughs*   *wanders off*
~~~15 minutes later~~~
Apollo: Hard at work? *smirk*
Me: As much as you've been.
Apollo: *laughs*
Me: So, have you talked to *boss* yet?
Apollo: *sigh* Not yet. End of this week.
Me: Yep. Of course. This time for sure, I bet.  *laugh* (He's said he's going to quit for a while)
Apollo: *sigh* I'm going to be here forever.
Me: Aww, that's sad...but at least you'll be in good company. :)
Apollo: Yeah. Well, take care. :)
Me: You too. *heart beat = twice normal rhythm*

I keep having these ridiculously graphic sex dreams about him. In the office, on the counter-tops, in the back-room, the break room. EVERYWHERE. Damn my virgin status!

And the award for the Kinkiest, Horniest Virgin goooooes to: Kade!

ANNOYED!

I'M REALLY ANNOYED RIGHT NOW.


Boys are really stupid. And I'm angry. And in a rant mood bad.

My boyfriend of almost five months decided to talk to my best friend about his issues with me.

THAT'S BULLSHIT.

And then on top of that, I try to see it and he freaks out on me. So now I'm not talking to him because I feel like the only reason he wouldn't want me to see it is because he's hiding something. And I'm INSANELY pissed off about it right now.

He says he has nothing to hide, but clearly he does or else he wouldn't have been so insanely defensive.

Luckily, my friend is going to forward it to me. She didn't want to, and that pissed me off more. She doesn't even LIKE him! But at least she understands that her allegiance is to me. I wish he would understand that.

He apparently feels under appreciated and valued. I think it's a load of bullshit. I work 40 hours a week. He works 15. I'm going to be a full time student. He's not in school. I'm giving him a GOD DAMN FUCKING ROOF OVER HIS HEAD, but he's 'undervalued' and 'unappreciated'.

Well, I'm unimpressed with the HALF-ASSED SHIT he calls house work. I'm under-impressed with the fact that he acts like a FUCKING CHILD most of the time. He can't do anything on his own, and all he does is play fucking RUNESCAPE all the damn time, but no, no, I'M the one that makes him feel under-appreciated.

Well, maybe he'll appreciate things in the future if I throw his ass out. He's got no where to go.

Fucking HELL I'm pissed.

This post really doesn't do my severe anger justice at all.

Success! Ish?

I was 176.4 today, so that's an improvement. Better then the 179.2 I was after my binge on Monday afternoon.

My period is really kicking my ass right now. The plus side? My stomach hurts too much to eat much. I'm in actual pain right now because I wanted to kick-start my metabolism for the day. Up to 330 calories so far. Not exactly what I was going for, but hopefully this will fully wake up my metabolism and kick it into overdrive.

If not, I'm going to keep worse about this amount then I already do. It's getting harder and harder to make myself eat. I spent my entire lunch break at work yesterday TRYING to figure out something to eat that I wouldn't feel bad about. I spent a solid 30 minutes just pacing the isles. It really shouldn't take that long to try and figure out something to consume.

Right now I'm just trying to force myself to eat something ever four hours. All I want to do is starve and fasting and b/p, but I need to think pragmatically. I want to do these things, but have I actually SEEN any results from them? 

No.

So maybe I need to try to re-work my thinking. I never thought it would be this difficult though. So now I'm eating every four hours. It doesn't mean I have to eat a lot, just that I have to eat SOMETHING. An apple. A piece of celery. Something. So what I'm trying to do is eat my biggest calorie food(s) in the morning, and the just a little something every four hours the rest of the day.

We'll see if it works. 

I'm feeling oddly optimistic.   :)

Welcome back, Insomnia!

I'm getting really, really sick of this.

It's 4am. I need to wake up in five hours. Fabulous! *note the sarcasm*

I'm officially on my period, so my cravings are out of control and my weight is out of control, and really I'm just out of control in general. It's a really, really unpleasant feeling.

Ate waaaay too much today. Or would that be considered yesterday? Either way it's completely inappropriate.

I'm just a little lost right now I guess. I feel really alone. I'm all over the place most of the time.

I'm going to lose my boyfriend if I can't figure out all my shit. We're going to celebrate our five month anniversary in a week. He might drive me insane a lot, but I love that boy. The insanity he causes makes me feel normal.

Oh the irony. Bleh.

Welcome to the Land of Dysfunction!

I'm going out to lunch with a friend today.

A buffet.

A CHINESE buffet.

Well, needless to say, I'm royally fucked. The evil inner binge-monster is chomping at the bits (pun intended). 

I'm trying not to get discouraged, but it's difficult. 

HOWEVER, on a slightly less worrisome note, I woke up at 175 today. That's an improvement. Definitely set me on a better mood. 

I'm trying to keep positive (and under 500 calories) and we'll see how everything goes from there.