Renewal

Today's been a good day. I'm actually really surprised. My faith in humanity was renewed. Everyone at work was just so insanely nice and polite...it was amazing really. And I got the opportunity to talk with my shift supervisor again. I think I'm just going to keep referring to him as Apollo from now on, it's just easier.

So, Apollo and I were talking today. Nothing significant, but it left my heart racing, and me desperately wanting more. I really don't know how to treat this. A part of me thinks I should try to stop focusing on him so much while I'm with my boyfriend, and another part of me sees no problem with it. It's just talking. So what if I have a little crush? It's not like anything's going to come from it. He's such a good guy. Eight years is probably too much of an age difference for him anyway. Not that he'd want me. I'm fat and goofy and weird. He's amused by me I'm sure, but I doubt he'd lower himself to date me. I mean, he could have anyone he wanted! He's just such a genuine person. I really wish I had the opportunity to get to know him  better. Just talk to him, find out his life story.

The sexual dreams are getting to be too much though. I've couched my boyfriend for a bit, and they've gotten worse. More graphic. More dramatic. It's making me want him more. I feel like such an awful person, but I also feel insanely alive. I just want to know. I just want to know so bad what it would feel like to just hold his hand. Or lightly trace his arm, stroke his cheek, his hair. Kiss him tentatively, the way a lot of first kisses start. Sweetly. Innocently. I want to just hug him, feel his body against mine, as a comforting presence if nothing else. I really want him to just talk to me. I love his voice. It's so sexy when it gets deep when he's talking low, forcing me to get closer to hear velvet pour over me. The was his little lisp comes out when he tries to sound hardcore. I miss him whenever I leave, and I dread coming home because of it. I feel like if we ever made love, that's what it would truly be. Sweet and gentle and tender. He'd value my virginity and wait for me to be ready.

Even just typing that, the butterflies are overworked in my stomach. There's no room left for food when I'm feeling like this. I was 173.5 this morning. Hoping for 172 tomorrow, but I really doubt that's going to happen. I'm not going to lose 3lbs in 2 days. It'd be nice though. One can only hope.  :)