Every time I do well, I then start to fail. Again and again and again and again and again!
So, needless to say, I've gotten back up to a disgusting weight. 170.0. AGAIN. WTF?!?!
I've been binging and binging and binging, no purging, just straight binge eating. FOR DAYS. MORE THAN A WEEK.
I started using laxatives again, that's how bad it's been, and I've been feeling. Laxatives! It took SO MUCH for me to quit the purging and the laxatives, because I understand on a logical level how bad it is for my body, how much damage it's doing, what can happen. I told Mia to GO FUCK HERSELF and now after so long, she's snaked back in.
I'm so ashamed I've somehow managed to actually lose my appetite...so while I'm in this moment of clarity, I've decided to give ABC a go. Even a week would be enough, just to drop the weight I've gained.
I'm just sitting here, sipping coffee, trying to motivate myself to go to classes. I just really want to go back to sleep. At least if I'm sleeping, I'm not eating, and fucking myself up. *sigh*
OH! And my boyfriend made me an ED forum/blog space/website thingy. I seriously was completely blown away. I was seriously going to break up with him, but recently he's just...being so insanely supportive. And he's really taking care of me. He's running for me and taking care of me since I've had this awful cold, and he's just been so wonderful. Usually he'll do stuff for me, but he'll complain and bitch and moan. He's just been so sweet recently. It's making me really want to try and work on our relationship. Even though he won't say it, he really wants to see me more domesticated, so I think I might back him a cake or something. He says he really, really likes it when I cook for him (even though I suck really horribly haha) and I don't mind the idea of playing a 50s housewife every so often. It's just really hard, because a lot of it is food-centric, and I'm pretty fucking petrified of food. I keep getting attacked by the evil binge-monster.
If I still feel strong whenever I get back from classes, I think I might bake him a cake...
