I really don't. I don't understand why I seem to be completely incapable of doing anything right. I should be in the mid-160s (at least) right now. I'm not. It's bullshit. I just keep fucking everything up.
I had two cups of beef broth because I was on the verge of a night binge, and that made me wake up at what I was yesterday: 171.2. I'm really, really fucking pissed. I can't win either way. I would have gained if I binged, but my substitute caused me to maintain instead of lose. I NEED to be 169 AT LEAST come Tuesday, so what do I do when I see 171.2? I EAT! I ate some fucking sloppy joe shit on a piece of shitty ass white bread.
FABULOUS.
I'm not eating the rest of the day. Well, at least most of the day. I might eat a little more, just so I can fast tomorrow. And Tuesday. FUCK. THIS. SHIT.
I want to be thin. It's what I want more than anything else in this world. It's what I dream and fantasize about constantly. It controls my relationships, interpersonal interactions, moods of the day. EVERYTHING. Am I so pathetic that I actually can't keep my fucking mouth shut long enough to show some damn progress? REALLY??? This is just fucking pathetic. I am fucking pathetic.
My entire life, everyone told me how amazing and brilliant I was. I was always told I was so far above average. But look at me now. I'm in community college with a basic menial retail job, I'm fat, my friends don't like me anymore, and I can't leave my house without crying and severe self-loathing.
Yep, an awesome, fulfilling, above average life I lead. FML.
No comments:
Post a Comment