Suck it bitches!

For some reason I tend to neglect this whenever I'm doing horrid. I think it's the inner perfectionist that just can't stand seeing me progressively fuck up.

I'm back down to 164. I'm actually 164.0 for the second day in a row now, and considering I was Miss Piggy, that's not too awful.

But it's still so far from where I wanted to be. I'm right back to where I was like two months ago. That's just a little bit pathetic.

Either way, 4.1lbs to go until I hit my GW2. I'm HOPING to hit it in a weeks time. We'll see. As long as I'm 161.9 by Sunday, I don't really care. That will have been my lowest weight at this height. Pathetic, I realize, but it's still exciting none-the-less.

I'ma try and post of here a bit more, because all this neglect isn't good for anyone. When I'm here, I'm accountable. Accountability is what's going to keep my from failing miserably.

ABC? I think YES.

Every time I do well, I then start to fail. Again and again and again and again and again!

So, needless to say, I've gotten back up to a disgusting weight. 170.0. AGAIN. WTF?!?!

I've been binging and binging and binging, no purging, just straight binge eating. FOR DAYS. MORE THAN A WEEK.

I started using laxatives again, that's how bad it's been, and I've been feeling. Laxatives! It took SO MUCH for me to quit the purging and the laxatives, because I understand on a logical level how bad it is for my body, how much damage it's doing, what can happen. I told Mia to GO FUCK HERSELF and now after so long, she's snaked back in.

I'm so ashamed I've somehow managed to actually lose my appetite...so while I'm in this moment of clarity, I've decided to give ABC a go. Even a week would be enough, just to drop the weight I've gained.

I'm just sitting here, sipping coffee, trying to motivate myself to go to classes. I just really want to go back to sleep. At least if I'm sleeping, I'm not eating, and fucking myself up. *sigh*

OH! And my boyfriend made me an ED forum/blog space/website thingy. I seriously was completely blown away. I was seriously going to break up with him, but recently he's just...being so insanely supportive. And he's really taking care of me. He's running for me and taking care of me since I've had this awful cold, and he's just been so wonderful. Usually he'll do stuff for me, but he'll complain and bitch and moan. He's just been so sweet recently. It's making me really want to try and work on our relationship. Even though he won't say it, he really wants to see me more domesticated, so I think I might back him a cake or something. He says he really, really likes it when I cook for him (even though I suck really horribly haha) and I don't mind the idea of playing a 50s housewife every so often. It's just really hard, because a lot of it is food-centric, and I'm pretty fucking petrified of food. I keep getting attacked by the evil binge-monster.

If I still feel strong whenever I get back from classes, I think I might bake him a cake...

FUCK YEAH!

165.4 this morning! I new low for this round! I'm feel pretty good right now. Fasted all day yesterday and into today. It's 11am and I'm really not all that hungry right now. I was only planning on going one day of fasting, but I might aim for two again, I'm not really sure yet...

I'm just fucking ECSTATIC right now! I was hoping to at least 166.9, so this is so much better than what I had anticipated! I feel so awesome and powerful and just fucking EPIC right now.

It's too early in the morning for any real thought or progression to have occurred since I just got up...but DAMN. My dreams are getting a lot more vivid and freaky again. This is definitely something I didn't miss with my bout of attempted recovery. This one in particular that I remember was of one of my best friends pretty much slaughtering just about anyone I know, then patching them up nice and pretending like nothing was wrong. They were scared and worried and angry and eventually I woke up just ha the police found the body of my friend in a dumpster.

I really don't want to look into that very much...

Either way...I'm pretty damn excited. I hope I keep not fucking up like this, it's a darn nifty feeling, I've gotta say.   :)

Pissed but empowered!

I woke up at 169 today and was a little tinsy bit pissed off at myself. I was suppose to wake up at 166.9 and fucked up entirely because I'm a moron, so I've been fasting today.

For some reason, I feel really good about it. To tell you the truth, I usually consume MASSIVE  amounts of calories while fasting. I buy coffee WITH CREAMER from coffee shops. NOT SMART. But not today. I've had under 100cals today and it was in the soy milk I dropped in my coffee. That's it. I think that might be why I feel so strong and powerful and vibrant: I'm ACTUALLY doing something right for once! It's pretty exciting! I'm fasting CORRECTLY!

I feel like I might actually wake up at 166.9 tomorrow, and that would be nice. 167 and up just doesn't satisfy me anymore. It's amazing how that works really. Once you get to a lower number, nothing higher is remotely satisfying anymore. I was so excited to get to 169 because I was out of the 170s, and now it's not enough because all I keep thinking about is how I'm not where I should be. I was suppose to be 159 by last day of the month. That's not going to happen, so I'm shooting for 165.4lbs as of the morning of the 30th. We'll see. That would be a new low for this round, so that's something.

I'm in class for another two hours, then I've got to go home and NOT BINGE and go to bed nice and early. I'm thinking 10pm. Lay down and turn everything off around 9:30pm and just chill.

I'm sick of being fat. Screw this shit.

Fuck no!

I feel so disgusting, I don't know how to function.

170.2

I don't care if I'm on my period, this is ridiculous. I'm disgusting.

Sipping coffee right now, serious stomach cramping, and I get to enjoy a 9 hour work day. Fabulous.

I want a legitimate appetite suppressant. This needs to stop, and I'm apparently too weak to stop it.

But today is a new day, and I can fix this. I know I can fix this. I need to fix this.

I refuse to continue to be this disgusting.

Goal: 166.9 by Tuesday.

3.3lbs to go.

Whatever

I'm fasting. Again. Currently 22 hours in. Going for at least 56 hours. We'll see about any longer.

There's a guy I really like that is ridiculously out of my league. Yes, I have a boyfriend. Yes, I like my shift supervisor. I get that. But I also like this guy too, but he's way too out of my league. I don't think I'd ever date him if I got the chance, but I'd still like the chance, just for the attention if nothing else.

Vain? Yes. Stupid? Yeppers. Worth it? COMPLETELY.

Essentially, if I could get this guy, I could get anyone. He's gorgeous, AND brilliant, AND cultured, AND worldly, AND poetic, AND driven, AND a genuinely sweet guy.

Very out of my league. But hey, what can I say? I do so dearly love a good challenge.

I just don't understand...

I really don't. I don't understand why I seem to be completely incapable of doing anything right. I should be in the mid-160s (at least) right now. I'm not. It's bullshit. I just keep fucking everything up.

I had two cups of beef broth because I was on the verge of a night binge, and that made me wake up at what I was yesterday: 171.2. I'm really, really fucking pissed. I can't win either way. I would have gained if I binged, but my substitute caused me to maintain instead of lose. I NEED to be 169 AT LEAST come Tuesday, so what do I do when I see 171.2? I EAT! I ate some fucking sloppy joe shit on a piece of shitty ass white bread.

FABULOUS.

I'm not eating the rest of the day. Well, at least most of the day. I might eat a little more, just so I can fast tomorrow. And Tuesday. FUCK. THIS. SHIT.

I want to be thin. It's what I want more than anything else in this world. It's what I dream and fantasize about constantly. It controls my relationships, interpersonal interactions, moods of the day. EVERYTHING. Am I so pathetic that I actually can't keep my fucking mouth shut long enough to show some damn progress? REALLY??? This is just fucking pathetic. I am fucking pathetic.

My entire life, everyone told me how amazing and brilliant I was. I was always told I was so far above average. But look at me now. I'm in community college with a basic menial retail job, I'm fat, my friends don't like me anymore, and I can't leave my house without crying and severe self-loathing.

Yep, an awesome, fulfilling, above average life I lead. FML.