My boyfriend is sleeping in my bed right now. I couched him for two nights, but I said he could 'take a nap' in my room, meaning he's pretty much going to be there all night. But he's working at 11am and I'm working at 4pm, so I can always just take a nap alone. It's really not a big deal I guess. I let him do this, but I'm still annoyed. I don't want him here, but he was whining and I just wanted him to shut up.

Wow, this isn't a healthy way to be dealing with someone I claim to love. I do love him. I'm not necessarily 'in love' with him, but I don't hate the guy. I just understand that he's not my soul mate. But I'm lonely. And he's really sweet.

I have a very bad habit of picking up strays, according to my mother.

I want Apollo BAD though. I think about him so much. I really just want to go to sleep so I can dream about him now. With my boyfriend laying next to me. Jeez, I'm an awful human being....

I was 172.8 today though! :) I was insanely surprised. Happy, but surprised. If I could be to my first goal weight (169) by Tuesday morning, I'd be... ecstatic, plain and simple. I had a 160cal bowl of oatmeal today, a 180cal Fuze drink, and a small order of fries. SHITTY DAY FOR FOOD! But I haven't eating since 5:30pm, and it's 11:30pm right now, and I'm about to go to bed. I'm exhausted. I've been running around all day at work and then at Walmart. I've been moving all day.

I need to start seriously considering what to do about Apollo......

Renewal

Today's been a good day. I'm actually really surprised. My faith in humanity was renewed. Everyone at work was just so insanely nice and polite...it was amazing really. And I got the opportunity to talk with my shift supervisor again. I think I'm just going to keep referring to him as Apollo from now on, it's just easier.

So, Apollo and I were talking today. Nothing significant, but it left my heart racing, and me desperately wanting more. I really don't know how to treat this. A part of me thinks I should try to stop focusing on him so much while I'm with my boyfriend, and another part of me sees no problem with it. It's just talking. So what if I have a little crush? It's not like anything's going to come from it. He's such a good guy. Eight years is probably too much of an age difference for him anyway. Not that he'd want me. I'm fat and goofy and weird. He's amused by me I'm sure, but I doubt he'd lower himself to date me. I mean, he could have anyone he wanted! He's just such a genuine person. I really wish I had the opportunity to get to know him  better. Just talk to him, find out his life story.

The sexual dreams are getting to be too much though. I've couched my boyfriend for a bit, and they've gotten worse. More graphic. More dramatic. It's making me want him more. I feel like such an awful person, but I also feel insanely alive. I just want to know. I just want to know so bad what it would feel like to just hold his hand. Or lightly trace his arm, stroke his cheek, his hair. Kiss him tentatively, the way a lot of first kisses start. Sweetly. Innocently. I want to just hug him, feel his body against mine, as a comforting presence if nothing else. I really want him to just talk to me. I love his voice. It's so sexy when it gets deep when he's talking low, forcing me to get closer to hear velvet pour over me. The was his little lisp comes out when he tries to sound hardcore. I miss him whenever I leave, and I dread coming home because of it. I feel like if we ever made love, that's what it would truly be. Sweet and gentle and tender. He'd value my virginity and wait for me to be ready.

Even just typing that, the butterflies are overworked in my stomach. There's no room left for food when I'm feeling like this. I was 173.5 this morning. Hoping for 172 tomorrow, but I really doubt that's going to happen. I'm not going to lose 3lbs in 2 days. It'd be nice though. One can only hope.  :)

Chill Pillz

I've calmed down a lot since last night. After my post I actually completely lost it. You know, scream crying as I'm throwing his stuff out of the room and screaming that I wanted him out of my life. You know, the bat-shit crazy crap you see in the movies?

I just miss the way my life used to be. I miss having my room to myself. I miss having my apartment to myself. I even miss having my parents to myself. I'm an only child, and for the last four months my life has been infiltrated by an outside force that is slowly taking over every aspect of my life. I'm having a really difficult time dealing with it. I've been attacking him so much recently because I'm just been so miserable. It's really not his fault, but I blame him anyway. There's no where for him to go...I feel very boxed in I guess.

It's really difficult, trying to grow up fast and all that. I'm 19. I feel really old and really young at the same time. I'm trying to hard to grow up that I'm forgetting how to interact with people my own age anymore. No smoking, no drinking, no drugs because that's irresponsible. Go to bed early, work 40 hour weeks, live with your boyfriend, because that's the responsible, grown up thing to do. I feel like I'm 30, and married. It's...not conducive to good mental health.


Anyway, on to better things! I've lost a pound today so far! I was 175.4 this morning, and I'm 174.4 right now, so I'm in a better mood. At least something is going right today.

Actually, a lot of things were pretty good today. No one threw anything at me at work, my hair wasn't a complete disaster, and everyone was relatively polite.

PLUS, I got to work with my shift supervisor today. I almost wish he wasn't so ridiculously adorable. Almost. Whenever he smiles at me, I can physically FEEL my heart skipping a beat. I really wish I could get the opportunity to get to know him better. He's 27, a blonde, with huge blue eyes and a baby face. He's just such a genuinely NICE guy...like, almost to the point of naivety. But he's really cool too! It's just...JEEZ I've got a really bad crush. Conversation from earlier (I'll refer to him as Apollo for privacy purposes):

Apollo: So, we've got about 15 minutes until it's time to leave (We got out at the same time)
Me: Yep, counting down the seconds. 
Apollo: So, any plans?
Me: Wandering aimlessly?
Apollo: My thoughts exactly! *laughs*
Me: *laughs*   *wanders off*
~~~15 minutes later~~~
Apollo: Hard at work? *smirk*
Me: As much as you've been.
Apollo: *laughs*
Me: So, have you talked to *boss* yet?
Apollo: *sigh* Not yet. End of this week.
Me: Yep. Of course. This time for sure, I bet.  *laugh* (He's said he's going to quit for a while)
Apollo: *sigh* I'm going to be here forever.
Me: Aww, that's sad...but at least you'll be in good company. :)
Apollo: Yeah. Well, take care. :)
Me: You too. *heart beat = twice normal rhythm*

I keep having these ridiculously graphic sex dreams about him. In the office, on the counter-tops, in the back-room, the break room. EVERYWHERE. Damn my virgin status!

And the award for the Kinkiest, Horniest Virgin goooooes to: Kade!

ANNOYED!

I'M REALLY ANNOYED RIGHT NOW.


Boys are really stupid. And I'm angry. And in a rant mood bad.

My boyfriend of almost five months decided to talk to my best friend about his issues with me.

THAT'S BULLSHIT.

And then on top of that, I try to see it and he freaks out on me. So now I'm not talking to him because I feel like the only reason he wouldn't want me to see it is because he's hiding something. And I'm INSANELY pissed off about it right now.

He says he has nothing to hide, but clearly he does or else he wouldn't have been so insanely defensive.

Luckily, my friend is going to forward it to me. She didn't want to, and that pissed me off more. She doesn't even LIKE him! But at least she understands that her allegiance is to me. I wish he would understand that.

He apparently feels under appreciated and valued. I think it's a load of bullshit. I work 40 hours a week. He works 15. I'm going to be a full time student. He's not in school. I'm giving him a GOD DAMN FUCKING ROOF OVER HIS HEAD, but he's 'undervalued' and 'unappreciated'.

Well, I'm unimpressed with the HALF-ASSED SHIT he calls house work. I'm under-impressed with the fact that he acts like a FUCKING CHILD most of the time. He can't do anything on his own, and all he does is play fucking RUNESCAPE all the damn time, but no, no, I'M the one that makes him feel under-appreciated.

Well, maybe he'll appreciate things in the future if I throw his ass out. He's got no where to go.

Fucking HELL I'm pissed.

This post really doesn't do my severe anger justice at all.

Success! Ish?

I was 176.4 today, so that's an improvement. Better then the 179.2 I was after my binge on Monday afternoon.

My period is really kicking my ass right now. The plus side? My stomach hurts too much to eat much. I'm in actual pain right now because I wanted to kick-start my metabolism for the day. Up to 330 calories so far. Not exactly what I was going for, but hopefully this will fully wake up my metabolism and kick it into overdrive.

If not, I'm going to keep worse about this amount then I already do. It's getting harder and harder to make myself eat. I spent my entire lunch break at work yesterday TRYING to figure out something to eat that I wouldn't feel bad about. I spent a solid 30 minutes just pacing the isles. It really shouldn't take that long to try and figure out something to consume.

Right now I'm just trying to force myself to eat something ever four hours. All I want to do is starve and fasting and b/p, but I need to think pragmatically. I want to do these things, but have I actually SEEN any results from them? 

No.

So maybe I need to try to re-work my thinking. I never thought it would be this difficult though. So now I'm eating every four hours. It doesn't mean I have to eat a lot, just that I have to eat SOMETHING. An apple. A piece of celery. Something. So what I'm trying to do is eat my biggest calorie food(s) in the morning, and the just a little something every four hours the rest of the day.

We'll see if it works. 

I'm feeling oddly optimistic.   :)

Welcome back, Insomnia!

I'm getting really, really sick of this.

It's 4am. I need to wake up in five hours. Fabulous! *note the sarcasm*

I'm officially on my period, so my cravings are out of control and my weight is out of control, and really I'm just out of control in general. It's a really, really unpleasant feeling.

Ate waaaay too much today. Or would that be considered yesterday? Either way it's completely inappropriate.

I'm just a little lost right now I guess. I feel really alone. I'm all over the place most of the time.

I'm going to lose my boyfriend if I can't figure out all my shit. We're going to celebrate our five month anniversary in a week. He might drive me insane a lot, but I love that boy. The insanity he causes makes me feel normal.

Oh the irony. Bleh.

Welcome to the Land of Dysfunction!

I'm going out to lunch with a friend today.

A buffet.

A CHINESE buffet.

Well, needless to say, I'm royally fucked. The evil inner binge-monster is chomping at the bits (pun intended). 

I'm trying not to get discouraged, but it's difficult. 

HOWEVER, on a slightly less worrisome note, I woke up at 175 today. That's an improvement. Definitely set me on a better mood. 

I'm trying to keep positive (and under 500 calories) and we'll see how everything goes from there.