FUCK YEAH!

165.4 this morning! I new low for this round! I'm feel pretty good right now. Fasted all day yesterday and into today. It's 11am and I'm really not all that hungry right now. I was only planning on going one day of fasting, but I might aim for two again, I'm not really sure yet...

I'm just fucking ECSTATIC right now! I was hoping to at least 166.9, so this is so much better than what I had anticipated! I feel so awesome and powerful and just fucking EPIC right now.

It's too early in the morning for any real thought or progression to have occurred since I just got up...but DAMN. My dreams are getting a lot more vivid and freaky again. This is definitely something I didn't miss with my bout of attempted recovery. This one in particular that I remember was of one of my best friends pretty much slaughtering just about anyone I know, then patching them up nice and pretending like nothing was wrong. They were scared and worried and angry and eventually I woke up just ha the police found the body of my friend in a dumpster.

I really don't want to look into that very much...

Either way...I'm pretty damn excited. I hope I keep not fucking up like this, it's a darn nifty feeling, I've gotta say.   :)

Pissed but empowered!

I woke up at 169 today and was a little tinsy bit pissed off at myself. I was suppose to wake up at 166.9 and fucked up entirely because I'm a moron, so I've been fasting today.

For some reason, I feel really good about it. To tell you the truth, I usually consume MASSIVE  amounts of calories while fasting. I buy coffee WITH CREAMER from coffee shops. NOT SMART. But not today. I've had under 100cals today and it was in the soy milk I dropped in my coffee. That's it. I think that might be why I feel so strong and powerful and vibrant: I'm ACTUALLY doing something right for once! It's pretty exciting! I'm fasting CORRECTLY!

I feel like I might actually wake up at 166.9 tomorrow, and that would be nice. 167 and up just doesn't satisfy me anymore. It's amazing how that works really. Once you get to a lower number, nothing higher is remotely satisfying anymore. I was so excited to get to 169 because I was out of the 170s, and now it's not enough because all I keep thinking about is how I'm not where I should be. I was suppose to be 159 by last day of the month. That's not going to happen, so I'm shooting for 165.4lbs as of the morning of the 30th. We'll see. That would be a new low for this round, so that's something.

I'm in class for another two hours, then I've got to go home and NOT BINGE and go to bed nice and early. I'm thinking 10pm. Lay down and turn everything off around 9:30pm and just chill.

I'm sick of being fat. Screw this shit.

Fuck no!

I feel so disgusting, I don't know how to function.

170.2

I don't care if I'm on my period, this is ridiculous. I'm disgusting.

Sipping coffee right now, serious stomach cramping, and I get to enjoy a 9 hour work day. Fabulous.

I want a legitimate appetite suppressant. This needs to stop, and I'm apparently too weak to stop it.

But today is a new day, and I can fix this. I know I can fix this. I need to fix this.

I refuse to continue to be this disgusting.

Goal: 166.9 by Tuesday.

3.3lbs to go.

Whatever

I'm fasting. Again. Currently 22 hours in. Going for at least 56 hours. We'll see about any longer.

There's a guy I really like that is ridiculously out of my league. Yes, I have a boyfriend. Yes, I like my shift supervisor. I get that. But I also like this guy too, but he's way too out of my league. I don't think I'd ever date him if I got the chance, but I'd still like the chance, just for the attention if nothing else.

Vain? Yes. Stupid? Yeppers. Worth it? COMPLETELY.

Essentially, if I could get this guy, I could get anyone. He's gorgeous, AND brilliant, AND cultured, AND worldly, AND poetic, AND driven, AND a genuinely sweet guy.

Very out of my league. But hey, what can I say? I do so dearly love a good challenge.

I just don't understand...

I really don't. I don't understand why I seem to be completely incapable of doing anything right. I should be in the mid-160s (at least) right now. I'm not. It's bullshit. I just keep fucking everything up.

I had two cups of beef broth because I was on the verge of a night binge, and that made me wake up at what I was yesterday: 171.2. I'm really, really fucking pissed. I can't win either way. I would have gained if I binged, but my substitute caused me to maintain instead of lose. I NEED to be 169 AT LEAST come Tuesday, so what do I do when I see 171.2? I EAT! I ate some fucking sloppy joe shit on a piece of shitty ass white bread.

FABULOUS.

I'm not eating the rest of the day. Well, at least most of the day. I might eat a little more, just so I can fast tomorrow. And Tuesday. FUCK. THIS. SHIT.

I want to be thin. It's what I want more than anything else in this world. It's what I dream and fantasize about constantly. It controls my relationships, interpersonal interactions, moods of the day. EVERYTHING. Am I so pathetic that I actually can't keep my fucking mouth shut long enough to show some damn progress? REALLY??? This is just fucking pathetic. I am fucking pathetic.

My entire life, everyone told me how amazing and brilliant I was. I was always told I was so far above average. But look at me now. I'm in community college with a basic menial retail job, I'm fat, my friends don't like me anymore, and I can't leave my house without crying and severe self-loathing.

Yep, an awesome, fulfilling, above average life I lead. FML.

Ever so slowly...

I'm going back down: 171.2 this morning. Would have been lower but I fucked up last night.

I successfully fasted Thursday (32hrs) before I made the conscious decision to eat something. A 9 hour work day is very unpleasant when black dots are floating in front of your eyes....but it really wasn't all that difficult. It felt easier this time for some reason. I don't really know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

I'm going to fast for two days, starting Thursday at midnight until Saturday morning (whenever I wake up) (48+ hours). I'm in school all day Thursday, and I'm off work Friday, so I can just sleep all day.

I'd really like to go to bed now...I'm really tired. But I've got work in a half hour. While my boss is getting a lot better (details later today) I'm still just not interested in working nearly as much as I am. I'm sick of this! I'm a full-time student for fucks sake!!

Either way...bleh.  :/   More to come...

Fat Ass

I feel like such a fucking fat ass right now.

I'm fasting until further notice. Then when I fuck up, I'll just start fasting again.

I'm sick of all this disgusting weight hanging off of me.

I got to my first goal weight and fucked up and gained 5lbs. Now 174.4lbs.

My fast started at midnight, so I'm just over 12 hours in.

This is fucking ridiculous. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. I just want to crawl into my room and die.

I'll be on campus for at least another 5 hours, but I might stay longer. Work tomorrow 9-5, work Saturday 10-6:30.

I'm sick of school, my job, and most importantly, my FAT. I hate this shit.

I'm disgusting.

One Pound!

I'm 1lb away from my first goal weight!! 170.6lbs this morning!!

I should be really excited, since I started at 180 a few weeks back, and this is my first 10lbs mark. But I can't seem to enjoy it at all. I mean, I'm happy of course, but all I keep thinking about is how much more I have to go. 

However, being less then a pound away from my first goal weight is pretty cool. I can't see a difference, but the boy says he can which is awesome. It's nice the someone notices. 

I'm really hoping I can hit my goal of 159 by the end of the month. I think I would feel a lot better about myself if I got down to that weight. In theory anyway....

Well, work for a bit, then off to see Scott Pilgrim vs the World with the boy, then an early night to bed, and maybe 169 in the morning? Hey, a girl can dream!  :)

I woke up at 171.8 today!

Not a huge accomplishment, but it's better then 172. I'm closer to where I want to be then I was yesterday, and that's all I care about. So, that was a good start to the day!

However, I left my cell at home on the way to school. Not the smartest move I've ever made, but hey, it could be worse. In theory, it's going to help me concentrate more. In actuality, my car is probably going to break down and I'm going to be stuck walking miles to a gas station. But hey, that's exercise! 

I'm in a really good mood today! My next class isn't for another two hours: Abnormal Psychology. My Professor is famous! Books published, lectures, speeches, I feel incredibly privileged to be a student under her. All I keep thinking is networking. Networking networking networking. If I can get on this woman's good side, I feel the possibilities are endless!

I really should be working on school work, but there's time for that. I don't have a ridiculously amount of work to do that I can be working on here and now, but Physics is going to completely murder me. I seriously have no idea of how I'm going to make it through that class. Its a foreign, secret language no one thought to tell me about. Fabulous. 

ANYWAY! I decided to join the September challenge on WhyEat, and that will hopefully get me to where I want to be, but we'll see. In theory it should work like a charm. One of the sections is on personal achievement, so I made a preliminary list:

~Lose 13lbs (12lbs more to go as of this morning!)

~Get at least 40 points with the September challenge

~Make it to the gym at least 3x a week

I'm not so sure I know what's doable and what isn't, but I'm going to make an honest attempt. Anything improvement is better then what I was/am. I'm just really looking forward to living my life the way I want to. 

Don't give up what you want most, for what you want in the moment.